Smile

Happened too much~

Health seems like getting serious~ feel pain in sometimes~ Honestly I feel so scare to go for doctor~ Keep on telling myself it will be fine~ soon and soon~

But seems like I can't cheat myself now~ It just like getting serious day by day~ I not dare to tell anyone I scare to face it.. I not strong like how others people think but i try to be..

I used to using a happy mask to facing the world..

You're getting married soon~ no one know how sad am I when i know this

I wishes you happiness with smile~ wonder did u see my sorrow behind the smile?

I admit I am waiting for impossible miracle for this few years~ and now I have to wake up to face this..

I hope I will not know anything about your wedding~ How I hope I don't know you~ How I wish we never knew each other.. How I know that you know I'm still waiting you for the passed few year~

I found out I'm lost myself~ Have been long time I didn't laugh like myself~ But who know? I cheat everyone that I'm happy even myself~

Everytime I look above the sky when the time my tears want to drop out~ I try to laugh hardly when I think of you~

I locked myself in my heart~ and I don't remember where is the key to free myself~ someone teach me how~ I yell my own name but I can't get the answer from myself~

Midnight~ 29th April 2012

Again midnight~ viewing own FB profile saw my blogger website and again i updated it =) 
Sun rise Sun set~ here is another one day~ Even i always says that i'm bored~ but when the Sun go down i feel like not willing to go for tomorrow but wanna stay just for today~ Sometimes thinking.. Hemmm~~ isn't we can transfer back ourselves to old time~ those happy moment~ LOL~ *i watched drama too much* -but still wondering isn't can or not actually-
Haiixxx~ since i really want to give up of my study~ I'm trying to earn money while i have time cause for this coming new sem i will be that fucking free to earn more extra money before i really step into working life =( Owhhh~~ FML! when working life i really want to move out from my own house~ not because i don't like stay with parents~ but what i need is relax and freedom~ i'm a smoker and parents don't even know~ imagine how i going release my stress of work by smoking if i stay with them~ this is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE~ and i need entertainment~ such as having some beers with friends after work or when offday~ imagine if i stay with them i totally can't out for long hours~ such a jail for me~ 

    T_T Gosh! Sudden i miss my mom that much~ Used to stay with her when Sem Break~ and now i alone at Kampar studying without any classmates that i can talk with~ gossiping?? Hemmmm~~ not my channel~ I think i'm and the topic for them to gossip?! LMAO~ Well~ if YES, hmmmm~ better i try to be deaf .. dumb and blind~ Human is like that~ the more i care the more they can say~ So better i pretending i know nothing and trying to be not mad~~~ Although is hard to be pretending~ but what else can i do? Haiya~ Carmen Lee~ just stand for another half year and everything will be smooth as u wish fine as u want~ (teehee <3 i always telling myself this when something happened) THAT'S MY LIFE~ =)

Learning how to <3 myself <3

Learning how to <3 myself and all best frenz
Woww~~ 2010 til now 2012 I have been very long time didn't updated my blog~  4.45am 24/4/2012~ Carmen here I am~ brand new me~ never cry when read back my previous blog~ shows I can walk through my path again~ Ha~~~ have been use 2years time to recover those hurt~ But I still will not fall in <3~ 
Happened so so sooo many time in 2years~ from the day I cry~ I stop crying~ I learn how to live without him~ Well~ feels that I'm getting mature~ LOL~ Last time best friends Urghh~~~ crack and breaks~ But still !!! I get a best friend that can replace all of those previous friends~ With true hear friend, Hmmm~ for me 1 is enough =) 
 HEY!!!!!!!!!! I'M GROWTH UP NOW I'M NOT KIDS AND MORE MATURE THAN BEFORE!!! *YELLING TO THE WORLD*

Hope~ U will love her more than u love me before~

I was still feel so sad and disappointed for what u had did for me~~ i really can't accept it~ u not even felt sorry for what u did~ i really damn angry of u~~ u had dump me and asking me to wait u back to me for unlimited time~~ the reason is u felt too pressure of ur study~ i had ask u many time isn't u had love someone else~ u strongly told me that u no~ and said me had think too much of this~ all the way my 6th sense told me that the reason that u gave me to break up is not the truth~ i keep on thinking ~ finally i feel that i want to check all of u~ sorry to say that i found out in ur bro profile that he was calling a girl sister in law~ and the girl is a girl that i mention before that between u and her is like couple more than us when i see ur profile~~ and again u keep on say me think too much~~ i saw the date in ur bro profile ~ it was 12nd of August~ at November u told me that u wanna break up with me with the idiot reason~ that means i had treat me as idiot for almost 3month~Before i really think that i wanna end up my life so that i will not keep on thinking of u~ it so suffer for me!  I saw the knife scars that i hurt myself before because of u~ i keep on think what i had do for me when we are still couple~ i did not feel regret~ but i keep on ask myself why~ why~ why~!! why i had done many thing for u and at the end u treat me like this?! i do all that because i hope i can let u feel that i really love u~ is more and more than myself~ i hope u will love me too~but actually is not~
Just now after i came back to hostel~i see my FB Home~ i saw a video is about Alviss Kong~~ he was die yesterday(if not mistaken) he die because of a girl his gf they had be couple for 4month~ i click to that video~ the video is from a DJ~ he said alots of thing about Alviss~~ but i feel that this video seems like give me advice to forget my Ex~ after i listen to this video i feel that is really not worth to die for a person that not love me anymore~ i feel my heart question mark for what u did to me is going to lower down~ i feel that is not worth that i crying and keep on sad coz of u~ but i will keep on pray for u~ i hope u will love ur gf well~ don't playing love to a girl that really love u anymore~ and i really hope that we are still will stay as friend~ so when u have problems u may find me and have a chat~

真的好爱你~

也许你说得对~我太爱你变成让你有压力~你只是18岁你需要自由~也许我不懂得怎么去爱你~我怕你会离我而去~每当我越怕你就越要自由~我们分了~你说是战时的分手，我想我们还有可能一起吗？我不敢再联络你，我不是你的谁~今天我很注意我的电话我很希望你会找我。。有这样的可能吗？昨晚我真的很想很想抱你紧紧的抱你最后一次不过我没有勇气怎么做~ 还记得你昨晚畏我吃那时我真的觉得好浪漫窝希望那时的时间可以停留~回时你在我面前哭起了你说你是坏人我自问我也不是个好女友~ 我 不了解你要的~我很自私~我要你爱我没顾你的感受~我知道以前是我错也许现在是我的报应吧~
昨晚我想了很多我们的事~想起我们怎样认识~吵架~分开~再复合~开心~再吵架~最后又分开了~你给我的都是开心的回忆反而我给你的都是伤心的~我觉得我很自私！可以让我最后一次叫你Dar吗？？………… Dar~我真的好爱你~好想你~ 真的~ 谢谢你给我的美好回忆~

Happened alots of problems for these month~~

ad almost 2month before Final Test.. Hostel had happened some problem... I really scare this will effect my result.. haix.. but now is to late to worry about it.. just let it be what it want.. really need to say 'thank' to the CJ(Cheap精)... troublemaker all the time... still got another week to go.. so i'll be in Sem Two.. time passed so fast..3month so fast had pass with our sweet memory when in hostel when here is nothing happened.. haix.. our laughter and happened had flow with time..

In this Sem Breaks i had went to KL.. stay at my fourth aunt home.. really so thanks her.. had disturb her almost a week at there.. had go a lots of places when i go there... go to my before the working place.. had alots of memory when i worked there.. although work as waiter is hard but workmates was treat me so good.. when i reach there some of the workmates had gone  not work there anymore.. sad~ that why i said laughter and happiness will flow trough the time only memory will leaves for us..

At Thrusday i go shopping with sister it is 2nd day after i came back from KL.. happy.. had watch Resident Evil with beloved want..I love to be with him.. where ever we go..

Haha~~ i had cut a lots of story here about almost 2month that happened surrounding me.. lazy to write so long.. this is my attitude~~LAZY~~~ really need to change myself don't be lazy anymore.. i can't let 'it' control my life..

H

Happy ~

Today mood quite good.. Just now go have a drink with friends i had meet a friend that we had long time didn't meet each other since after SPM~ We had chat alot.. nice feeling.. Long time didn't chat liao.. haha..
These few days i always keep on going out.. haix.. Don't want at hostel scare i can't control myself and will start argue.. huh~.. I need to keep away myself to her..
More least than 2week I will having a Final Test.. Ish~~ time passed so fast~ dislike it.. haix..